


The 100% Perfect Tree

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Christmas, Humanstuck, Multi, Poly Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-02-18 02:49:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13090824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: Equius is vexed by an imperfect Christmas tree.





	The 100% Perfect Tree

The fir tree vexed Equius. Every other decoration in the house was perfect yet this tree wasn't. It was too gnarled and too uneven. It made his eye twitch whenever he saw it. He shouldn't have let Nepeta and Gamzee pick out the tree. Yet he was busy that Saturday so he came home to see this monstrosity. In the four years previous, he'd accompany his datemates to the tree farm. Never again would he let them go on their own.

His datemates weren't around now. He had an electric saw and he was going to use it. First he measured the tree. The measurements told a sad story. Yet he could fix this. Make this tree at least presentable. He cut off a centimeter to the left. One centimeter to the right. Good. A few centimeters there, another there. Excellent. Everything going perfectly. Gamzee claimed the tree was a motherfudging miracle but surely he'd find this more of a miracle. Equius thought about Gamzee's smile and – oh fiddlestics. Oh oh fiddlesticks.

The huge branch lay at Equius' guilty feet. Could it be glued back? It must be. Equius went to the workshop. He thought he'd find the wood glue immediately. It was something common. Yet when he looked in the glue cabinet, he couldn't find it. He could have sworn he bought wood glue recently. Did he misplace it? He checked every other place and with a workshop like his that meant a lot of place. Finally, he just grabbed a roll of duct tape and went back to the living room.

Taping the tree branch back on was easy work. It was living with it that was hard. The duct tape wasn't immediately apparent but he knew it was there. His datemates would surely find out eventually. What if they were cross?

Before he could go to the store for wood glue, the front door opened. Equius hurried to the foyer to find not just Gamzee or Nepeta but both. They were laden down with packages and dusted in snow but they seemed in good cheer. They both greet him with “Hi, Equius!” and “Sup, bro.”

“Let me take your packages,” Equius said.

“Thanks, bro,” Gamzee said.

“I can carry it myself,” Nepeta said, “Hey, is there room on the tree for more decorations? Because I found the cutest cat ornament.”

Equius said, “About the tree...”

However, Nepeta was already nyooming to the tree. Equius and Gamzee followed her. She put down her bags and rooted through one.

“I know it's in here somewhere,” she said.

Equius was at a standstill. How could he tell them he ruined the tree. He may have hated their choice but it was their choice. If only he had let things be.

He was sweating but his datemates didn't notice. They were both rooting through the bags by now. Gamzee was the one to find the ornament. He held it up triumphantly. It was a fat tabby cat holding a sign saying “De tree iz my favorite toy”. 

“Set your eyes on this motherfucker! Ain’t it the cutest?” Gamzee asked.

”Pounce will love it!” Nepeta chimed in.

”I hope you aren’t suggesting we let Pounce play with the tree.”

Nepeta frowned. “No, she still has to stay out of the living room. Wouldn’t want her to knock off a branch or something.”

”Um, yes...”

”Hand the ornament to me, Gamzee, I want to put it up!” 

“I think the tree has enough ornaments. It would be a shame if it came unbalanced.”

Gamzee said, “Come on, you can never have too much motherfucking decoration.”

”Wrong. This room has the perfect amount already as I have spent my time designing it.”

”Equiuuuus...“ Nepeta groaned.

”Maybe next year we can...”

But then Gamzee handed the ornament over to Nepeta. She was looking for a place to put it.

”Nepeta, I should be the one placing it...”

Then Nepeta zeroed in on that dang branch.

”Is that duct tape? What happened?” she asked.

”I...accidentally sawed off an entire branch,” Equius answered.

”Accidentally? You were cutting accidentally?”

Equius took a deep breath. “I was trying to fix the tree.”

”Why?!” Gamzee cried, “That bitch was perfect!”

”Yeah, Equius, what was wrong?”

”That tree was just so uneven I couldn’t stand it one more second!”

”So you done violence up on it with a saw?” Gamzee asked. 

“I didn’t mean to cut off that much. I only wanted to make it perfect!”

”But it was purrrfect,” Nepeta said.

”But not 100% perfect!”

”Why does it need to be 100% perfect?”

Equius stomped. “Because it’s Christmas! Christmas is the perfect holiday!”

Gamzee went over to Equius and put his arm around Equius’ sweaty shoulder.

”You get yourself round up all tight like around Christmas. What’s the motherfucking deal with that?” Gamzee asked.

Nepeta went over and put her arm around Equius’ waist.

”Yeah, you can tell us,” she said.

”It’s just that I know my father is hosting one of his perfect Christmases and I can never attend anymore.”

”Do you really want to have Christmas with a supurr bigot like him?” Nepeta asked.

”He is my father...he’s family.”

”We be your motherfucking family now,” Gamzee said.

”We are your nakama,” Nepeta added.

”Speak English,” Equius said.

”Okay! Family.”

Equius put his arms around Gamzee and Nepeta. He kissed them in turn.

”Thank you,” he said.

”A motherfucker like you is always welcome,” Gamzee responded. 

”Are you crying?” Nepeta asked.

”No, just sweating,” Equius lied.

”Surrrrre. Hey, maybe next year we should have a plastic tree.”

”Never.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
